I used to beat myself up on days when I didn’t have it in me to work out. Sometimes I would feel so guilty that I would work out anyway. I got mixed results, sometimes it was the best decision but most of the time I ended my workout early and was even more frustrated with myself than before. It wasn’t, or isn’t, because I can’t do it physically. It’s the mental game. Some day’s it’s just not there. That’s what they don’t tell you about mental illness, it can be exhausting. You can take your meds, you can do everything right, but some day’s it doesn’t matter what you do, you’re just stuck.

Only recently have I begun to notice the ebb and flow of my moods. It’s taken two years for me to unravel the secret ways that being Bipolar messes with me. For the most part, running and exercising is preventative medicine usually guaranteed to keep me sane. Like anything, medication included, it doesn’t always work. That’s where mental health days come in. You have to give yourself permission to take the day off when you can’t push through, when you’re exhausted from fighting an invisible illness that wrecks havoc on your mind. Rest day’s are vital for your body for recovery, so why can’t the same apply to your mind?

A.

Here I am. Standing in my underwear taking a picture of my chunky body in the mirror and posting it on the fucking internet. Hopefully this doesn’t come back to haunt me someday.

Why am I doing this? Since being diagnosed with bipolar II and anxiety two years ago I have struggled with my weight. I’m not sure what exactly triggered the weight gain; medication, bouts of intense depression, anxiety, or just being unhappy with where I was in life. I put on 20 lbs in a matter of a year. I realize for some people this isn’t terrible, but as someone who works out, eats right and has always maintained a fit body, this was devastating. A year ago, I lost it all. I felt great, my running was better than ever and I was happy with myself physically. Mentally I was still a wreck and struggling day in and day out to manage my moods. Then I was offered a job in a new state. We packed up and moved within three weeks. It was a huge change and exercise fell off. I started packing on the pounds again. My running partner back home suggested we run a race together to keep me in shape both physically and mentally. We decided to run a half-marathon, naturally, during training I started to lose some of what I lost. As soon as the race was over though, I was back to bad habits. I was offered another position a few hours from where we were living we moved again and are at a point where we’re finally settled and I can focus on myself again. Me, being me I have decided this is the year I will train for, and run a marathon.

Running, and exercise in general is therapy for me. Dealing with anxiety and mood swings make me high strung so running gives me a chance to calm down and collect myself. As much as anything training keeps me sane.

Why a marathon? It’s been on my bucket list for as long as I can remember. I’m FINALLY settled somewhere that gives me an opportunity to stick to a training plan and well, there’s no time like the present. Given my current physical appearance and general annoyance with myself I feel that pushing myself to the limit physically is what I need to keep life from becoming stagnant.

The purpose of this blog is to keep myself grounded to the WHY. To give myself something tangible to look back on during this journey and maybe use it to inspire someone else that is somewhere in this journey too.

Until next time,

A.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton